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May. 13th, 2006 09:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katsarisSo, I'm done with the army. Off with trying to find some real job.
.......
But before that, here's a self-analysis post, the sort of thing I don't usually tend to make. Because basically I don't tend to say anything much unless I've arrived to a conclusion, and I think I've only arrived to a real conclusion two or three days ago.
See, a month or so back I made a resolution not to complain about my life ever. I wouldn't have the right -- having been given further examples of all the ways that life has sucked for dear friends of mine that don't deserve it one bit. So, yo, gods, if you exist and I ever come across you, I may complain about friends' behalf, but not about mine. As a child I may have been pampered but was never neglected. My life may have been largely unproductive -- but never really hard. My love life may have been less than fulfilling -- but yo, there are far far worse things than that.
There's that. But I think that resolution of non-complaining for myself sorta didn't go far *enough*. I still thought it my right to complain and whine over my helplessness and inability to help a friend in need. I no longer think that I have that right either -- nor that I ever had.
This conclusion came about as a result of two events -- one was a bad decision of mine a few weeks ago which ended up (at best) placing emotional burden, I think, on shoulders that already had more than enough to bear. My bad, and I don't know how to apologize enough, though I've tried.
But that wasn't the definitive point. The other, more recent, was my reading a recent book review by Adam Cadre. Read his comments, if you want, before reading my post further. Or don't. Your call.
...
The relevant bit is that, Adam Cadre, as an aside, speaks of the Enneagram, which is a model for personality-categorization I had happened across a long while back, but which I had largely forgotten -- and most certainly forgotten as regards myself.
Now every model has its limitations, and I don't care one bit for the supposed pseudo-scientific or metaphysical underpinning of the Enneagram. But nonetheless the Enneagram is interesting in that reading through the nine types it describes, almost always one can recognize oneself and one's fundamental virtues and failings. You tend to find a type that strikes you as... uncannily true about yourself.
Adam himself mainly speaks about Type 1 - which we may call "the Prophet/Reformer", and about Type 6, which Adam describes as "the Abused Child", though the Enneagram proper calls it differently ("the skeptic" or "the loyalist").
I'm neither type. Rereading the Enneagram, I think I'm mostly Type Two. "The Helper".
The main problem of Types Two is that they tend to confuse their needs with the needs of other. They confuse selflessness and selfishness. They may rush to try to fill the need of others, in order to fulfill their own need to be of help.
To put it simply, Twos' basically altruistic desire to *help* others may sometimes get confused with the selfish desire that *we* help others. And even worse with the desire to be acknowledged for that help.
It irks me. It irks me bad. It irks me that, for all intends and purposes, the healer trying to comfort a wound may subconsciously be a predator sniffing out weakness.
Mind you, I wouldn't (and I don't) feel *guilt* over this: I think it leads to extreme and unhealthy self-flagellation to beat ourselves up over a subconscious we may not even have had. Our choices, our actions and our *conscious* thoughts are more than enough to guilt over -- we definitely don't need to guilt over a subconscious as well.
But nonetheless. I'm irked. As a result -- yo, no more complaining from me. In the end, even whining about my inability to help was just another type of selfish complaining. I don't have the right to complain about such things at all.
If anything truly bad *ever* happens to me, then you'll get to hear some complaining. Hopefully you won't.
.......
But before that, here's a self-analysis post, the sort of thing I don't usually tend to make. Because basically I don't tend to say anything much unless I've arrived to a conclusion, and I think I've only arrived to a real conclusion two or three days ago.
See, a month or so back I made a resolution not to complain about my life ever. I wouldn't have the right -- having been given further examples of all the ways that life has sucked for dear friends of mine that don't deserve it one bit. So, yo, gods, if you exist and I ever come across you, I may complain about friends' behalf, but not about mine. As a child I may have been pampered but was never neglected. My life may have been largely unproductive -- but never really hard. My love life may have been less than fulfilling -- but yo, there are far far worse things than that.
There's that. But I think that resolution of non-complaining for myself sorta didn't go far *enough*. I still thought it my right to complain and whine over my helplessness and inability to help a friend in need. I no longer think that I have that right either -- nor that I ever had.
This conclusion came about as a result of two events -- one was a bad decision of mine a few weeks ago which ended up (at best) placing emotional burden, I think, on shoulders that already had more than enough to bear. My bad, and I don't know how to apologize enough, though I've tried.
But that wasn't the definitive point. The other, more recent, was my reading a recent book review by Adam Cadre. Read his comments, if you want, before reading my post further. Or don't. Your call.
...
The relevant bit is that, Adam Cadre, as an aside, speaks of the Enneagram, which is a model for personality-categorization I had happened across a long while back, but which I had largely forgotten -- and most certainly forgotten as regards myself.
Now every model has its limitations, and I don't care one bit for the supposed pseudo-scientific or metaphysical underpinning of the Enneagram. But nonetheless the Enneagram is interesting in that reading through the nine types it describes, almost always one can recognize oneself and one's fundamental virtues and failings. You tend to find a type that strikes you as... uncannily true about yourself.
Adam himself mainly speaks about Type 1 - which we may call "the Prophet/Reformer", and about Type 6, which Adam describes as "the Abused Child", though the Enneagram proper calls it differently ("the skeptic" or "the loyalist").
I'm neither type. Rereading the Enneagram, I think I'm mostly Type Two. "The Helper".
The main problem of Types Two is that they tend to confuse their needs with the needs of other. They confuse selflessness and selfishness. They may rush to try to fill the need of others, in order to fulfill their own need to be of help.
To put it simply, Twos' basically altruistic desire to *help* others may sometimes get confused with the selfish desire that *we* help others. And even worse with the desire to be acknowledged for that help.
It irks me. It irks me bad. It irks me that, for all intends and purposes, the healer trying to comfort a wound may subconsciously be a predator sniffing out weakness.
Mind you, I wouldn't (and I don't) feel *guilt* over this: I think it leads to extreme and unhealthy self-flagellation to beat ourselves up over a subconscious we may not even have had. Our choices, our actions and our *conscious* thoughts are more than enough to guilt over -- we definitely don't need to guilt over a subconscious as well.
But nonetheless. I'm irked. As a result -- yo, no more complaining from me. In the end, even whining about my inability to help was just another type of selfish complaining. I don't have the right to complain about such things at all.
If anything truly bad *ever* happens to me, then you'll get to hear some complaining. Hopefully you won't.
