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So, I'm done with the army. Off with trying to find some real job.
.......
But before that, here's a self-analysis post, the sort of thing I don't usually tend to make. Because basically I don't tend to say anything much unless I've arrived to a conclusion, and I think I've only arrived to a real conclusion two or three days ago.
See, a month or so back I made a resolution not to complain about my life ever. I wouldn't have the right -- having been given further examples of all the ways that life has sucked for dear friends of mine that don't deserve it one bit. So, yo, gods, if you exist and I ever come across you, I may complain about friends' behalf, but not about mine. As a child I may have been pampered but was never neglected. My life may have been largely unproductive -- but never really hard. My love life may have been less than fulfilling -- but yo, there are far far worse things than that.
There's that. But I think that resolution of non-complaining for myself sorta didn't go far *enough*. I still thought it my right to complain and whine over my helplessness and inability to help a friend in need. I no longer think that I have that right either -- nor that I ever had.
This conclusion came about as a result of two events -- one was a bad decision of mine a few weeks ago which ended up (at best) placing emotional burden, I think, on shoulders that already had more than enough to bear. My bad, and I don't know how to apologize enough, though I've tried.
But that wasn't the definitive point. The other, more recent, was my reading a recent book review by Adam Cadre. Read his comments, if you want, before reading my post further. Or don't. Your call.
...
The relevant bit is that, Adam Cadre, as an aside, speaks of the Enneagram, which is a model for personality-categorization I had happened across a long while back, but which I had largely forgotten -- and most certainly forgotten as regards myself.
Now every model has its limitations, and I don't care one bit for the supposed pseudo-scientific or metaphysical underpinning of the Enneagram. But nonetheless the Enneagram is interesting in that reading through the nine types it describes, almost always one can recognize oneself and one's fundamental virtues and failings. You tend to find a type that strikes you as... uncannily true about yourself.
Adam himself mainly speaks about Type 1 - which we may call "the Prophet/Reformer", and about Type 6, which Adam describes as "the Abused Child", though the Enneagram proper calls it differently ("the skeptic" or "the loyalist").
I'm neither type. Rereading the Enneagram, I think I'm mostly Type Two. "The Helper".
The main problem of Types Two is that they tend to confuse their needs with the needs of other. They confuse selflessness and selfishness. They may rush to try to fill the need of others, in order to fulfill their own need to be of help.
To put it simply, Twos' basically altruistic desire to *help* others may sometimes get confused with the selfish desire that *we* help others. And even worse with the desire to be acknowledged for that help.
It irks me. It irks me bad. It irks me that, for all intends and purposes, the healer trying to comfort a wound may subconsciously be a predator sniffing out weakness.
Mind you, I wouldn't (and I don't) feel *guilt* over this: I think it leads to extreme and unhealthy self-flagellation to beat ourselves up over a subconscious we may not even have had. Our choices, our actions and our *conscious* thoughts are more than enough to guilt over -- we definitely don't need to guilt over a subconscious as well.
But nonetheless. I'm irked. As a result -- yo, no more complaining from me. In the end, even whining about my inability to help was just another type of selfish complaining. I don't have the right to complain about such things at all.
If anything truly bad *ever* happens to me, then you'll get to hear some complaining. Hopefully you won't.
.......
But before that, here's a self-analysis post, the sort of thing I don't usually tend to make. Because basically I don't tend to say anything much unless I've arrived to a conclusion, and I think I've only arrived to a real conclusion two or three days ago.
See, a month or so back I made a resolution not to complain about my life ever. I wouldn't have the right -- having been given further examples of all the ways that life has sucked for dear friends of mine that don't deserve it one bit. So, yo, gods, if you exist and I ever come across you, I may complain about friends' behalf, but not about mine. As a child I may have been pampered but was never neglected. My life may have been largely unproductive -- but never really hard. My love life may have been less than fulfilling -- but yo, there are far far worse things than that.
There's that. But I think that resolution of non-complaining for myself sorta didn't go far *enough*. I still thought it my right to complain and whine over my helplessness and inability to help a friend in need. I no longer think that I have that right either -- nor that I ever had.
This conclusion came about as a result of two events -- one was a bad decision of mine a few weeks ago which ended up (at best) placing emotional burden, I think, on shoulders that already had more than enough to bear. My bad, and I don't know how to apologize enough, though I've tried.
But that wasn't the definitive point. The other, more recent, was my reading a recent book review by Adam Cadre. Read his comments, if you want, before reading my post further. Or don't. Your call.
...
The relevant bit is that, Adam Cadre, as an aside, speaks of the Enneagram, which is a model for personality-categorization I had happened across a long while back, but which I had largely forgotten -- and most certainly forgotten as regards myself.
Now every model has its limitations, and I don't care one bit for the supposed pseudo-scientific or metaphysical underpinning of the Enneagram. But nonetheless the Enneagram is interesting in that reading through the nine types it describes, almost always one can recognize oneself and one's fundamental virtues and failings. You tend to find a type that strikes you as... uncannily true about yourself.
Adam himself mainly speaks about Type 1 - which we may call "the Prophet/Reformer", and about Type 6, which Adam describes as "the Abused Child", though the Enneagram proper calls it differently ("the skeptic" or "the loyalist").
I'm neither type. Rereading the Enneagram, I think I'm mostly Type Two. "The Helper".
The main problem of Types Two is that they tend to confuse their needs with the needs of other. They confuse selflessness and selfishness. They may rush to try to fill the need of others, in order to fulfill their own need to be of help.
To put it simply, Twos' basically altruistic desire to *help* others may sometimes get confused with the selfish desire that *we* help others. And even worse with the desire to be acknowledged for that help.
It irks me. It irks me bad. It irks me that, for all intends and purposes, the healer trying to comfort a wound may subconsciously be a predator sniffing out weakness.
Mind you, I wouldn't (and I don't) feel *guilt* over this: I think it leads to extreme and unhealthy self-flagellation to beat ourselves up over a subconscious we may not even have had. Our choices, our actions and our *conscious* thoughts are more than enough to guilt over -- we definitely don't need to guilt over a subconscious as well.
But nonetheless. I'm irked. As a result -- yo, no more complaining from me. In the end, even whining about my inability to help was just another type of selfish complaining. I don't have the right to complain about such things at all.
If anything truly bad *ever* happens to me, then you'll get to hear some complaining. Hopefully you won't.
no subject
I've only read a little about the Enneagram, but what I've gathered is that everyone has a wound which causes them to stiffen into a type--you can't make your type go away, but you can become less compulsive about it and find the good uses for it.
no subject
In the Enneagram Institute's site, nine "levels of healthiness" are shown for each type. I don't think any specific type is supposed to be good or bad. There are healthy and unhealthy varieties of each, and I do consider myself a "healthy" Type Two most of the time. That doesn't mean however that the central issues/problems of the type don't affect me still.
no subject
no subject
I won't say that "I know myself best" is true for all circumstances, but in this case I think it is.
"Not complaining" by itself isn't the thing. The thing is making the mental readjustment that makes one see it's been a good life all in all; that one doesn't have actual *reason* to complain for oneself.
And yo, both you and nancylebov seems to consider this an experiment that will take place from here on, rather than an evaluation of what has gone previously. "Not complaining" isn't an experiment; it's the decision, the outcome of years of non-selfaware experimenting with the *opposite*. I don't feel in doubt. I feel less in doubt than I have ever been. I don't feel as if I'm in emotional crisis, or dealing with a dilemma. A week or two ago I may have been. But now I feel like I came all the way through and out the other side.
This past week I think I've felt more content and emotionally stable than I've ever been. *g* Which is odd really, all things considered, but there you have it.
no subject
Truth be told, I've been scoring some happiness points myself lately. Graduation. New job. Leaving Starbucks FOREVER. All that stuff I was afraid would never happen is happening. I've only got two things left to worry about: Girls and politics. Don't suppose you've solution???
1/4 life crisis
(Anonymous) 2006-05-15 10:08 pm (UTC)(link)I think that's your status. In the middle of an emotional and extra-apologetic and confusing attitude. Most possibly caused by the fact of finishing army and entering real life. It's the fear of unknown, the excitement of something new. Don't worry, you're not the guy that is either lazy or evil. You have the stuff to go on, the recipy of success.
I should end this now. (Payment of all kinds is welcomed)
I 'll give you a ring, so be alert!!! :)
Re: 1/4 life crisis
*g* And I'm looking forward to that ring. I know you're more busy than I am right now, so take your time: In the meantime I'm job-hunting! *g*